Unless I really stop to think about it, I don't usually realize how much worry and anxiety have become near-constant companions of late. Unless I really sit and start adding it up, I don't see how long the stress that has been eating away at the more care-free parts of my soul has been at work. It has been subliminal, mostly, until I forgot all the good, take-charge-of-my-attitude type lessons that I learned from a young age. Emotion carries me, always simmering beneath the surface of a semi-calm veneer, often plunging me towards depression, or anger, or sadness.
- Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can...how do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
- Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me put this to you plainly: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me. And you'll be armed.
- Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
- Mal: (smiling) I had a good day.
- Simon: (incredulously) You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages... half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you're harbouring known fugitives!
- Mal: We're still flying.
- Simon: That's not much.
- Mal: It's enough.
- - from Firefly, pilot episode
As I stood in the shower this morning, letting the warm water wash away the sleep from my brain, I could feel the tug of the depressing thought patterns try to get me on board their downward-spiraling roller coaster for another day, one that would leave me lonely, aloof, and withdrawn. It was like a sudden flash of insight had let me see clearly what would happen if I chose to get on the car--and with the insight, I was given the ability to see another way.
"No," I said with determination. "Today will be a good day."
Funny how, when you make a decision like that, your whole attitude shifts. Funny how the forces of the universe almost seem to align to prove you right.
Immediately, I started focusing on more positive things with hardly any effort at all. The shower felt more refreshing. The chores I faced seemed less daunting. The sun coming the window looked brighter, if that was even possible.
Then! As the scrambled eggs were cooking for breakfast, I checked my e-mail, and found out that one of my scrapbook layouts has been selected for publication by Canadian Scrapbooker magazine! My first published layout ever! Yay! I knew it was going to be a good day.
Then! My oldest son came up with the most darling song, which he sang to me while he was doing a little kitchen chore I had given him and I was making lunch.
"I will never be alone
I'll stay with my mom and dad
I will never be alone
I like my mom and dad
I like to wrestle with my dad
I like to make crafts with my mom
My mom likes flowers
My dad likes scary movies."
While I'm sure we will both have something to say in a few years about the "staying with my mom and dad" bit, for now it was a sweet sentiment that made me grin from ear to ear. I knew it was going to be a good day.
It was a cooker here today, and I decided we would have home-made shakes for lunch and drink them in the back yard, then head over to the park. The boys played over there for an hour and a half, while I alternated between helping them and knitting a few rows while sitting on my sling-chair in the shade. Relaxing. Fun. I knew it was going to be a good day.
Now, I intend to go seek out the cooler parts of my house (of which my office is definitely NOT one), and spend some time with my honey, and do some crafting in my basement later.
Yep, definitely a good day.
After all, I'm still flying, and that's enough.
I think that I'll decide that tomorrow will be a good day, today. How about you?