When is “Giving Up” Not Quitting?
“If you spend your life sparing people’s feelings and feeding their vanity, you get so you can’t distinguish what should be respected in them.”
Ah, spring … the time of year when the sun comes back, the potatoes in the cool room start sprouting, and the closets get purged.
Or not. :-)
The process of spring cleaning can be a bit daunting. I was well into my adult years before I “got” it—spend a few hours cleaning now, enjoy the benefits of a decluttered space and more freedom to do what I truly enjoy for months.
I recently shared my short list of what makes someone an everyday hero, and on the list was not giving up—meaning, having the determination to see something through, and not letting a few little obstacles stop you.
Well, this month, I present the flip side. Because sometimes, “giving up” is the most heroic thing you could possibly do.
Like that craft kit you bought when you thought you’d “like to try it someday,” but which has now been taking up a good cubic foot of space in your closet, undisturbed, for six years?
Give it up.
Or that magazine collection you keep because you “might want to refer to it someday?” (When was the last time you looked through a back issue? More than a year ago? More than two years ago? And there’s a free digital version on the Internet? Hmm… give it up.)
What about those clothes you haven’t been able to fit into since 2003, but you’re determined you will wear again?
Fifteen-year-old fashions… Really? If you ever achieve that elusive goal, don’t you think you’d like to reward yourself with something current?
All of these are hoarding habits I’ve been guilty of. But these physical items add more than clutter to our lives—they add unnecessary stress. I had a revolutionary moment last year when I realized that I could get rid of a good chunk of the overwhelm I was feeling, simply by moving the fabric I rarely had time to sew anymore out of sight, instead of where I looked at it every day.
So I did. And if another year or two had passed without me needing to access the storage bins, I decided it would be time to purge. (It didn’t. I totally had to tromp through snow to dig fabric out of my shed this winter. But it still gets to live there.)
Many of us are familiar with the pleasure that comes from a well-organized space without unnecessary clutter. But it can be easy to collect clutter in other areas of our lives, too.
And those are often the hardest things to give up.
That friend who constantly encroaches on your personal boundaries, selfishly demanding your emotional and physical resources while giving little-to-nothing in return?
Um …
You know that this person is a drain. But a real friend doesn’t quit, right?
I want you to take a moment and reframe in your mind the definition of “giving up.”
Every time you say “no” to something, you are actually saying “yes” to something else.
And if you have decided in advance what things you will say “yes” to—what you have made space for in your life—then saying “no” no longer becomes about rejection or quitting. It is about setting boundaries.
“Every time you say “no” to something, you are actually saying “yes” to something else.”
I live in a small house, so I have to purge physical items on a regular basis. The boundary is the amount of space I actually have, and I don’t like to feel crowded in it. I have said Yes to comfort and coziness, but No to clutter and crampedness. Therefore, every time I make a purchase, I have to weigh the following:
“If I say Yes to this thing, what other thing that I have already said Yes to will I have to get rid of?”
You have no idea how well that has curbed impulse shopping. I have even started regifting without guilt. Seriously.
Just as you have natural boundaries on your physical space, setting boundaries is the most loving thing to do with your emotional, spiritual, and mental spaces.
It is not only loving to yourself, but also to those around you—even if they don’t like your boundaries at first.
“Just as you have natural boundaries on your physical space, setting boundaries is the most loving thing to do with your emotional, spiritual, and mental spaces.”
Your friend who’s a constant drain will never change until you set a boundary that says “you can’t use me as your crutch any more.” You are loving yourself and your family by freeing up your time and energy to focus on those who are your own responsibility, and you are giving your friend the opportunity to grow and learn how to take responsibility for him- or herself.
The job situation you hate will never change until you either reframe your expectations of it, or set some boundaries with co-workers or employers about what you are willing to do for the company you work for. Yes, this may require you to actually quit the job. And you know what? That’s a boundary, too—saying “no” to something that’s killing your soul, in order to say “yes” to finding more joy, peace, and contentment in your life.
We all have finite resources, finite “spaces” to fill, whether it is our time, emotions, or environment. If we don’t choose where our boundaries are, physics will choose for us—but I can guarantee that we will like the results less.
“If we don’t choose where our boundaries are, physics will choose for us—but I can guarantee that we will like the results less.”
So I encourage you to take some time this month to “spring clean your life” (even if you live somewhere where the days are getting shorter, not longer). Give some thought to the things that are overwhelming you and making you feel out of control. Decide if the things you have currently allowed are part of the life you would like to have.
Is it time to give something up? If so, be intentional. Don’t “quit.” Say Yes to something better.
And then use my Yes/No mantra above to help you maintain that balance.
“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”
Originally posted in my Books & Inspiration newsletter on 2018-04-19.
Speaking of Saying Yes…
If this post resonated with you, I think you’d love meeting Sarah Daniels.
On the surface, Sarah has everything—a successful career, a respected husband, a carefully curated life. But behind the façade, she’s been saying “yes” to things that are slowly destroying her for so long that she can barely remember what she actually wants. When a cancer diagnosis begins to crack her carefully constructed lies, and an unexpected encounter with a man named Steve shows her that a different kind of life might be possible, Sarah has to face the hardest question of all—is she willing to give up the story she’s been telling herself in order to find something real?
Finding Heaven is my gritty, redemptive women’s fiction novel about second chances, the courage it takes to set boundaries when everything and everyone is working against you, and the kind of love that doesn’t ask you to keep hiding. Readers have called it “a moving and beautiful story of accepting who you are, overcoming the past, and embracing the future”—and more than a few have mentioned it requires serious book-hangover recovery time. Consider yourself warned.
You can read the first three chapters for free before you commit. Or, if you’re already in, go here to pick up the eBook, audiobook, or a print edition.
