Inconveniences I Would Rather Have

One of the very first things I had to grieve were all the things we no longer had to do to keep Levi safe, make life easier for him, or prevent damage to valuable things:

  • Lock the vehicles, since he liked to go in there and play
  • Lock the washing machine
  • Keep dangerous substances up high
  • Lock my computer screen whenever I walk away from it
  • Keep a stool in the bathroom

After several days, it felt so strange that I hadn't had to step on Legos or trucks on my kitchen floor a single time. The trains had stayed where they were (right beside me on my desk, where Levi left them for me.) The yard, which had been immediately tended to by a small army of volunteers, remained toy-free. No buckets had been thrown into the chicken run. No caterpillars squished on the deck or beetles brought into the house to show me.

But oh! how I wish we still had to deal with all those things.

The house is so quiet. The boys went back to school yesterday. Even though Jason was home, and we were tending to tasks that needed doing, and we even went out for lunch with friends, I spent most of the day in tears.

Oh, Little Man. I hope you have some trucks to play with, and have found your Grandpa Winters and the Great Grandpas and Great Grandmas that have gone before you. Heaven is a little brighter, and this world a little darker, because you've gone from here to there.

As I said to a friend today, this would be a lot easier to take if I could just check on him to make sure he was alright. I just don't know how to let him go.

On Wednesday, I found I was grieving all the things that Levi will not get to do, and that we will not get to watch. I find that writing songs helps me deal with very stressful and emotional situations, so I wrote "Things I'll Never Do". Here is a quick scratch recording on a video for this song.

Things I'll Never Do

Words and music by Talena Winters. Performed by Talena Winters.

Goodbye kiss on the first day of school
Pin up childish artwork you drew
Cheer you on as you swim across the pool
These are things I'll never do

Show you how to balance on a bike
Help you tie the laces on your shoe
Tell you how to impress a girl you like
These are things I'll never do

But everyday I'll see your smiling face shine in memories so bright
Chubby arms in a bear-hug embrace as you say, "I love you, Mommy. Goodnight."

Hold you tight and kiss away your tears
Feel my loving arms around you
Now that Heaven's arms hold you so near
These are things I'll never do
Until the day I come to you.